


To Lose What Has Been Lost

by chocolatecrack



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: M/M, but I love it too, childhood yutoyama always makes my heart ACHE
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-04
Packaged: 2018-08-19 02:04:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8184869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatecrack/pseuds/chocolatecrack
Summary: “I’ll see you,” he whispers into nothingness as the cold night air envelopes him, a feeling of emptiness scratching at his throat.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zeon_avalanthe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeon_avalanthe/gifts).



> Request: Yamada is at his pressure point. He's stressed from all the pressures and expectations the show-biz are giving him and he just wants it all to stop. Yuto is somehow a pain in the ass who only adds fuel to fire, before someone kicks his ass and he's eventually the one who calms Yamada down.
> 
> I got this request for the yyexchange and I thought: THAT IS PERFECT OMG. I wrote and re-wrote this a lot of times to try to get it as good as I can. (Thank you so much to my wonderful beta, YOU ARE THE BEST). I really do hope you like it! :D

 

2016.

“Hey, Yutti.”

“Yea?”

“Do you ever just… wished things would stop?”

Yamada’s voice echoes throughout the dressing room in the studio.

Having finished filming another episode of Itadaki High JUMP, the group was preparing to go home now, returning their wardrobe to the staff and putting on their regular clothes.

And as Yamada stands there, contacts removed, glasses worn, scarf around his neck, beanie on his head, he whispers to Yuto. The taller boy seems to be taken aback by his question. As to why, he couldn’t really figure out. It wasn’t like this was the first time Yamada had asked that to him. Not the second even. But it was just… his tone. There was something there. Something hidden.

“What?”

Yuto asks, worry clouding his voice. But as he waits for a response, Yamada shakes his head and says nothing, giving him a weak smile after.

Hmm.

They asked their managers’ permission so they could go home by train that day, walking together all the way to the station. Yuto wanted to grab Yamada’s hand, but the other boy had kept it clenched into a fist since they left the FujiTV building.

He wants to smooth it out, lace his fingers in between, and tell him to relax.

But he hesitates.

The people at the station were pretty much paying them no attention, which was good because they didn’t really need any more.

“Ryosuke?” Yuto starts, itching to bring back the topic Yamada had opened up earlier. There was just something about it that seemed so… familiar. Like he needs to do something about it or else something might happen. Something unwanted.

“Hmm?”

“What did you mean when you said that?”

The train arriving drowns out Yuto’s question, and _ugh_ it was so frustrating because now he had to ask it again. Great.

They decide to not get on and wait for the next one.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear your—”

“What do you mean by wishing for things to stop?”

“Oh. That,” Yamada purses his lips together, “It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. You sounded like you were pretty serious about it,”

“It’s fine, Yutti,”

“So it _is_ something?”

Yamada takes a deep breath.

“I guess? Well, I mean yea, but I’ll get over it,”

“Okay, but what _is_ it?”

Yuto doesn’t know why he starts to raise his voice. It was just, sometimes Yamada was a little _too_ stubborn about things and he only wants to help, but Yamada won’t let him and he won’t have that. He wants to help. Knows he can. But the other boy was so hard to pierce through.

“You don’t have to know,”

There was a familiar sting in the way Yamada said those words, and somehow it triggered something in Yuto. A sharp pain he couldn't explain.

“Then why did you tell me in the first place? Now it’s going to bother me all night, and you won’t say what it is, so what am I supposed to think?”

“Yuto, please don’t start,”

Yamada voice sounds a little defeated and weak and Yuto doesn’t know why he keeps pressing either. He _knows_ this was going in a bad direction. A direction he doesn’t want to go back into because fighting with Yamada was the last thing he wanted. But there was something driving him there. Probably exhaustion, and stress too. And he doesn’t know how to stop even though he wants to.

“But you started this!” Yuto pulls Yamada away to a more secluded location, not wanting the goddamn paparazzi all over them in case they actually _do_ make a scene.

“I know, I did. It’s just, I thought I could tell you—”

“You _can_ tell me! I’m asking, am I not?”

“You are but—”

“But you _won’t_ , and it’s frustrating because why did you have to start telling me in the first place when you’re not going to tell me everything about it?? Did you purposely want me to keep guessing all night??”

Yamada takes a deep breath, tries to compose himself as Yuto’s voice rises. He wants to shout something too but he bites back his retort because was simply _too tired_ of the world and he couldn’t afford to fight with Yuto. He didn’t even expect him to react this way.

“I’m _fine_ ,”

“Do you seriously think I’m dense enough to believe that?”

“No! I was just, I don’t know!” Yamada tries to keep his voice level. Tries to tell himself raising his voice at him too was just going to make things worse. “I’m a little tired. I just finished filming a movie, and now I’m filming a drama and we have a new single coming out in a few weeks, and then all the variety shows and promotions and rehearsals. Especially dance rehearsals because the new choreography is _ugh_ ,”

He pauses, takes a breath. “I just want it all to stop for a while you know?”

Yuto listens. Or at least tries to. He wants to hear every word but there’s something blocking them in his mind.

And then Yamada couldn’t stop himself from saying it even though he _knows_ he’s going to regret it as hell later on.

“Sometimes I kind of want to give up and quit, but—”

“You _what_?”

No.

No, no, no.

Yuto looks at him in disbelief and Yamada is taken back to a time he didn’t want to remember. A time he didn’t want to be in anymore. A time he wanted to forget.

_“I’m thinking about quitting,”_

_“Are you crazy?”_

Yuto didn’t listen to him clearly that time too. Yamada thought he would understand now. But he didn’t. He didn’t before, he doesn’t now. It shatters his heart.

“Wait, let me get this straight. You want to give up and _quit_?”

“Yuto, no. It’s just, _please_ , I’m a little burnt out and tired and I didn’t mean—”

“We’re all tired! You want to quit, you want to leave the group, you want to put all of our hard work to _dust_? Is that what you want to do?” Yuto practically yells at him, flailing his arms around because he couldn’t believe this was happening. How could he do this to the group? To himself?

To _him_?

“Why, because you’re _so_ established now, you’re _so_ famous, _so_ recognized that one little bad day that tires you out, you want to quit? You want to give everything up? Is that it?? Is that what you want?? What about us, huh? Did you ever think about how we would be left there picking up the pieces you would leave behind??”

Yuto’s words felt like hot acid as they left his mouth, and he knows in his heart that he didn’t mean everything he was saying. That he was being kind of a douche right now and a jerk and a stupid idiot but he didn’t find the time to stop himself from possibly making another big mistake.

Sometimes Yamada makes him lose his mind in the good way. Sometimes, it’s not so good.

And well, Yamada doesn’t need any more of this today.

He was already so damn worn out and fighting with Yuto would probably only ruin him in every possible aspect so he takes the high road and closes his eyes. Counts to ten. Convinces himself that Yuto doesn’t mean anything he’s saying and that he’s also just tired.

Yea.

That’s it.

“Don’t mind what I said, okay? I’m going to go ahead,” Yamada says, staring at the ground beneath their feet. He didn’t dare to look up and into Yuto’s eyes because he’s so exhausted he might cry if he does that. “I’ll see you at rehearsals tomorrow. Goodnight, Yuto.”

And he walks away.

Yuto stands there, trying to process what had happened. He had wanted to follow Yamada, tell him he’s sorry, hug him and say that he was wrong, but his legs seemed to have been frozen on the spot, not moving an inch.

So he lets it be.

“I’ll see you,” he whispers into nothingness as the cold night air envelopes him, a feeling of emptiness scratching at his throat.

* * *

_2006._

_“Yuto, can I tell you something?”_

_They were standing at the station, heavy training bags slung over their shoulders as they wait for the train to arrive. Yamada grips the strap of his tightly, Yuto notices, his fist almost turning white from the gesture._

_“Hmm?” Yuto responds, looks at the boy with soft, sweet eyes and a smile to match._

_But Yamada isn’t smiling back at him, and is still looking unusual, so it gets him a little worried. Did something happen during training?_

_“I think I want to quit,”_

_The train arrives, drowning out Yamada’s declaration. He closes his eyes and hopes to everything that Yuto didn’t hear what he had just said because the moment he had said it out loud, he realized that this was probably a bad idea._

_“Wait, what? I’m sorry, I didn’t hear your—” Yuto starts._

_Yamada turns his head to look at him, cutting him off by looking at him with a smile so fake it almost looks real._

_“It’s nothing,” he says, and Yuto already knows it’s a lie._

_“It sounded a lot like something,” the innocent boy presses on, worry in his voice evident._

_“It’s whatever, don’t worry about it,”_

_“So it_ is _something?”_

_Yamada takes a deep breath, knowing Yuto would probably never let this go now if he doesn’t say anything. He shouldn't have said something in the first place._

_“Maybe? But I’ll get over it,”_

_“Okay, but what_ is _it then?”_

_Yamada is his best friend. And he’s Yamada’s best friend. They both knew that, and they both acknowledge it. But there are just times when Yuto can’t seem to understand the young boy. Like he’s too deep or too serious about things that one doesn’t need to be deep and serious about. It was confusing._

_“You don’t have to know,” Yamada says in a low whisper, probably thinks Yuto wouldn’t be able to hear it._

_But he does._

_And_ wow, _did that hurt. Aren’t they supposed to be best friends?_

_“Then why did you tell me in the first place? Now it’s going to bother me all night, wondering what it is, and you won’t say anything about it. What am I supposed to think, then?” Yuto reacts quite harshly. He had felt like Yamada had pulled a trigger to his heart._

_Was he really that unreliable for Yamada to hesitate in telling him? After everything they had been through, Yamada was still treating him like this?_

_“Yuto, please don’t start,” Yamada responds weakly, and it infuriates him._

_“But you started this!” Yuto walks away to a more secluded location, prompting Yamada to follow him, because he was not about to attract unwanted attention._

_“I know, I’m sorry, I thought I could tell you—”_

_“You_ can _tell me! That’s why I’m asking!”_

_“Yea but—”_

_“But you’re_ not _telling me, and it’s frustrating because aren’t we best friends? Aren’t we supposed to tell each other everything??”_

_Yamada takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and tries to compose himself as other boy’s voice gets louder. He wants to say something back and argue, but he knows it’s not going to help the situation. And he didn’t really want to fight with his best friend. That wasn’t what he wanted to happen at all._

_“I’m_ fine _,”_

_“I know you’re lying,”_

_“No! I was just, I don’t know!” Yamada tried to prevent the cracks in his voice, tried to tell himself to calm down because Yuto was already riled up, and him doing that too would only make things worse. “We still have a long way to go! I know things are going great now because we get to hold mics, but what if we never get the chance to debut? What if this is the extent of what we’re given? What if it takes too long for us?”_

_He pauses, takes a breath. “I just don’t think I’m cut out for this, you know?”_

_This was unbelievable._

_Everyone praised Yamada’s dancing, and he was a decent enough singer. Sure, they had a long way to go, but compared to the others they were getting great treatment. So what was he on about?_

_“I’m thinking about quitting,”_

_And that was it. That had snapped something in Yuto. Something around the feeling of fury, sorrow, and disappointment all combined._

_Hurt._

_He was hurt._

_And he hated to admit it, but it was because he doesn’t want to lose Yamada. He doesn’t want to lose his best friend. And the mere thought of Yamada not even thinking and feeling the same way because here he was, getting ready to leave him, just about breaks his heart in a million tiny pieces._

_“You_ what _?”_

_The look Yuto gives Yamada makes him want to swallow all the words that he had said back into his mouth._

_“Are you_ crazy _?” Yuto continues, eyes widening from disbelief._

 _“Yuto, no. It’s just,_ please _, I’m so tired of everything, I didn’t mean—”_

_“But we’re all tired! You want to quit, you want to leave everything you’ve worked hard for, everything we tried so hard to build? Is that what you’re trying to say?”_

_Yamada sees hints of tears in Yuto’s eyes and he knows there are probably some in his own too._

_But he was exhausted, and he really thinks his heart can’t handle any more of this today. So he takes a deep breath and thinks that Yuto probably had his reasons for saying whatever he did say. Yea._

_“It’s okay, just forget about it. Don’t mind what I said. I’m going to go ahead. Make sure you don’t miss your station today, okay?” he smiles at Yuto sadly, trying his best to look better than he was feeling. “Goodnight, Yuto.”_

_And he walks away._

_Yuto stands there, watches the figure of a 13-year old Yamada Ryosuke fade into the distance, trying to process what had happened. “But, Ryosuke,” he calls out, hoping the other boy would hear the desperation in his voice. But even if Yamada did, he probably just pretended not to. Because he kept going._

_“I don’t want to lose you.”_

_He whispers into blank space as the cold night air embraces him, feeling like he had just lost everything that made him whole._

* * *

2016.

The sound of a broken alarm echoes throughout the hollow room, waking Yuto up from the nightmare that had clouded his thoughts.

He flutters his eyelids open and stares at his ceiling.

And then he realizes that the nightmare wasn’t really a figment of his imagination.

Because it did happen. Very much so, actually. He still remembers the day like it had only happened yesterday. It was all real.

Too damn real.

He never really did get the chance to go back to sleep, afraid the memory might haunt him again.

* * *

The next day, Yabu thumps his arm and _ouch_   _okay, that hurt_.

“Ow!” Yuto reacts, soothes his left arm with a hand, “What was that for??”

Because really, their choreography was draining and _ugh_ what did Yabu want now?

“What happened?”

Yabu asked quite seriously, crossing his arms over his chest. Yuto furrows his eyebrows in confusion because the last time he checked, nothing in particular had happened. Huh. Weird.

“With what?”

Maybe it was the dance he was doing earlier or…?

But no. Yabu raises a single eyebrow at him, and gestures to Yamada’s exiting figure in one direction.

Oh.

Right.

“What do you mean, what happened? Nothing happened,” he fakes a laugh and mentally curses himself for being so transparent and obvious.

And then the rest of JUMP surrounds him, looking at him like he’s some sort of criminal. Okay, no. He’s had enough of this. This was not his fault. Not entirely.

Mostly.

But whatever.

“Do you seriously think we’re stupid enough to buy that?” Hikaru stares at him a little too coldly and it reminds him of the days when he and Yamada were play fighting and it suddenly got a little too serious. The rest of the group coddled the other boy, while he was left at the sidelines.

And damn it, does it anger him. Builds up his fury.

“You guys have been avoiding each other the whole day. And you give these looks of, I don’t know, like pain or something. It’s a little distracting,” Daiki adds, and well, it was true.

The minute they had both arrived, they took the opposite sides of the room to put their bag down. Which was rare because they were basically inseparable lately. Recently. Ever since they went back to being best friends. So of course the group was a little wary.

And then they wouldn’t even touch each other during the dance number, which was a little hard to do because there were a lot of formations where they had to pass each other to get to their new position. The two of them avoiding each other meant that, of course, they bumped into the other members, and it messes up the entire routine. Yuto had said sorry to Keito probably 10 times already that day, and they had only learned about half of the dance.

“What did you guys fight about?”

Of course it was Chinen who asks, always being the direct one, never pulling his punches, not bothering to dance around the topic. He was always the one to just get right to it, and sometimes Yuto wishes he wouldn’t because he already wants to stop talking about this.

“It was nothing,”

And he sounds so much like Yamada did the night before.

Chinen doesn’t budge, glares at him, urges him to continue.

“Look, this is _not_ my fault, okay? I don’t know why everyone keeps looking at me like I did something wrong, when _he_ was the one who started it,”

“Started what?”

“The whole argument,”

“Which was about?”

“Well, he told me he was tired and sometimes he wanted to give up and quit and I told him he was talking crazy,”

Saying it out loud made him sound even more of a jerk than he already was.

Damn it.

“Yutti, seriously?” Chinen says in disbelief, “You know how he is with these things.”

“I know!” Yuto stands up abruptly, and the rest of the group move back, shocked by the sudden movement. “I know, okay?! But it’s just, he wasn’t making sense! We’re all tired! He’s not the only one, so I don’t get why all of you are taking his side with this!”

“We’re not taking anyone’s side!”

“You are! And maybe if you had just heard how he had said it. It was like all those years ago when we were still Juniors!”

The memory plays back in his mind, fueling his anger.

_You don’t have to know._

“And I just didn’t want him to go through with it, okay?? Because he has _us_ , right??” he looks at them all in the eyes, a sharp emotional pain hitting the center of his chest.

 _Please don’t start_.

“He has _all of us_. So, I don’t know why he didn’t just tell you guys, or why he had chosen _me_ to tell it to. Look, you didn’t hear him say it, okay? If you did, then you wouldn’t do this to me now!”

 _I’m thinking about quitting_.

“And I just didn’t want to lose him and—!”

“Don’t you think there’s a reason why he only told _you_ and not us?” Yabu said, interrupting his outburst.

Yuto felt hot tears stroll down his cheeks. He hadn’t realize that he was crying.

Why did Yamada have this much of an effect on him?

“But—”

“Don’t you think it’s maybe because you’re the one he trusts the _most_ with this? The _only_ one he trusts, even?” Hikaru adds.

“But—”

“We get it, Yutti, you were tired too. He told us everything that you said. We understand where you’re coming from. But you have to understand him as well. Maybe he just wanted a little boost, you know?” Chinen says, giving him a small hopeful smile.

The small gesture gives him a moment of realization.

Yamada had told him because he had trusted him with it. Had known that he, of all people, would understand. And he told _only_ him because that’s how much trust he puts in him. Because they were best friends. They told each other everything. Like all those years ago. And he had misunderstood.

He realizes what was blocking Yamada’s words from his mind now. Because it reminded him too much of that day.

And because he was afraid.

He was afraid to lose him, like he did before.

He knew he couldn’t handle that. He was sure as hell that it was going break him apart if it ever happened again.

He doesn’t want to do this without Yamada. He knows how much he can survive, how much he can simply try and be independent and pick himself up and do this alone.

But he chooses not to.

He doesn’t need Yamada to be able to function. Not really, no.

But he wants him.

He wants him so bad it’s almost unreal.

And _god_ , he was just so stupid wasn’t he?

“Go,” Daiki tells him, fully understanding. Yuto stares at him with glassy eyes, gulping down a sob.

And he _runs_.

The choreographer was nice enough to give the group a ten minute break, and if he had remembered correctly Yamada mumbled something about forgetting his water bottle in the van before he left. He was probably heading back towards the practice room by now.

Yuto turns hallway after hallway, trying to locate the direction of the elevator. Hearing a loud _ding!_ In one direction, he wills his feet to follow the sound, arriving at the destination just as Yamada exits the doors.

He pulls the boy by the wrist, tries to ignore the sudden jolt of electricity he felt the moment he had touched the other boy’s skin, and leads them to somewhere no one was going to see.

“Yutti, what are you—”

And then he kisses him.

It was an apology, an understanding, a pleading kind of kiss, and Yuto wanted Yamada to feel every single thing he wanted to say in it, because he was currently at a loss for words.

Yamada was slightly surprised by the sudden intimate contact, but reacts fast enough to return the favour.

Yuto cradles Yamada’s jaw, opens his mouth to him and puts all of his emotions into the kiss because he was _so stupid_ for not understanding the night before.

Yamada was tired and he wanted tell him that because he knows he was going to understand and not judge him for it. He wanted to tell his best friend that. Yamada only wanted a “You’re going to be fine,” in return.

And Yuto realizes how messed up his reaction was, but Yamada understood that maybe he was just stressed too. And that maybe his words got Yuto a little worried. That it was a big misunderstanding.

Even though he was the one in pain, Yamada still managed to think of how Yuto must have felt, all while he was too oblivious to notice.

It makes his heart beat a mile a minute and _damn it_ , he loves Yamada. He loves Yamada so much.

As the intensity in the kiss dies a little bit down, Yamada pulls away, a bit breathless, and it makes Yuto’s heart ache from loss.

“I’m so sorry, Ryosuke,” he says immediately, wanting to keep repeating the apology over and over, “I’m so sorry for everything I said and did and I just misunderstood what you were trying to say. I guess I was just a little tired too. And I know I should have considered your feelings more, I didn’t mean to—”

“Hey, it’s okay, I understand. I’m sorry too, I was just a little stressed out about how things were going. It wasn’t like I was—”

“I didn’t want to lose you again,”

Yuto whispers.

And it gives Yamada a harsh taste of reality.

Yuto didn’t want to lose him. Because he already lost him before. And he doesn’t want that happening again.

“I can’t do this without you. _We_ can’t do this without you. You can’t just leave and—”

He’s cut off as Yamada pulls him in for another abrupt kiss, stands on his tiptoes to reach the boy’s lips and claim it as his again.

He pulls the taller boy closer, wraps his arms around him tighter, as if to say _I’m not going to leave you_.

“Did you really think you were going to lose me?”

Yamada mumbles, grazing the words onto the other boy’s lips and it feels like the most natural thing in the world.

“I didn’t want to think that,” Yuto replies into the kiss, “But you were saying it like you did back then and I think I kind of panicked.”

“You idiot,” Yamada laughs, “You’re not going to, you know? Not now, not _ever_.”

Yuto sticks their foreheads together, breaths mixing in the small space between them.

“I think I kind of just panicked too. I’m not going to leave the group. And I’m definitely not going to leave _you_. Okay?” Yamada whispers.

Yuto wraps his arms around Yamada’s waist and almost lifts him off his feet. He buries his face in the crook of his neck as he nods, wanting to somehow just stay there forever as they held onto each other.

“Bribing me to stay with a kiss,” Yamada whispers into his ear, moving closer, “That seems a little unfair now, isn’t it?”

Pulling back, Yuto smirks, and they both laugh onto each other’s lips as they make a move to kiss again.

Hikaru clears his throat in the background, and Yamada and Yuto hurriedly detach themselves from one another.

“So,” Yabu starts, “I’m pretty sure we were only given 10 minutes for a break.”

“Right,” they say in unison, the whole of JUMP staring at their blushing faces.

The members move to return to the practice room one by one, looking at them amusingly, with the two of them staying at the back of the line.

“Let’s go?” Yuto says, staring into Yamada’s eyes.

He smiles.

“Yea,”

They lace their fingers together, swaying their arms as they walk back. And with Yuto’s hand linking perfectly with his, Yamada thinks that _this_ is it.

This is where he belongs.

And he forgets all about wanting to give anything up.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed reading! :)


End file.
